Proofread twice, hang posters once
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Frankenstein?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?