Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?