Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.