Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

this isn’t threatening at all

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.