Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Pringles

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!