Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me logging onto twitter
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?