Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“Wait, let me explain..”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall