Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Brother?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
synchronized noseblowing
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.