Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Your honor these allegations are
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
We will use anything but the metric system
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’