My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You Might Also Like
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”