Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
pep talk
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From