Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.