Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

I am crying

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.