PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
the composer
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Social distancing in Australia:
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.