PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
tis the season
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.