PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.