Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.