*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket