*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Sometimes? I’m slipping
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Yup
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep