Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*