*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex