Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
concern
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
my favorite genre of twitter
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I just want an internship man
