Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man.
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it