Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you ok, human???

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit