Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.