Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You Might Also Like
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
