Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.