Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.