@NicestHippo

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

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@KyleSmells

[getting a haircuit]

barber: how’s this?

me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂

@babadookspinoza

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

@Lisabug74

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

@AnOrangeSNES

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

@ArfMeasures

Priest at shepherd’s funeral: we are gathered here today *glares at dog* against our will

@eluna333

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?