Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

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[getting a haircuit]

barber: how’s this?

me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂


I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.


I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.


[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”


Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.


Priest at shepherd’s funeral: we are gathered here today *glares at dog* against our will


*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?