Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”
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[getting a haircuit]
barber: how’s this?
me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Priest at shepherd’s funeral: we are gathered here today *glares at dog* against our will
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
You know what really makes me smile?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times