Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
When you’re here for the treats.