Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.