Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

💀💀💀💀

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]