pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now