Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.