Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES