Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is painfully accurate 😅

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.