Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Traveler’s camo

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.