Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

New menu item

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals