pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother