pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud