pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.