pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Tastes like chicken.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”