sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
cop: were you texting and driving
me: no i was playing go
me: [speeding off] if you say so
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39