@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

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@robots_feel

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@CarolineCasey

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

@jjax44

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@_PatDonovan

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@tweetsbyrocket

cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39