I’m a self-made hundredaire
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances