pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.


*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh


How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!


4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby