pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

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VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what


I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact


Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.


Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.


“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.


My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.


My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.


Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.