VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.
Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.