pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.