Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

this is funnier than any friends episode

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Bringing back this classic

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

i hope my email finds you on fire

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?