Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.