Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ok this is my dumbest yet
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that