Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
You Might Also Like
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
You can’t rush stupid.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra