Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

#catsoftwitter

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

adding to the discourse

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain