Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit