Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!