*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Good advice.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Pickled cat.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.