detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.