@WheelTod

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

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@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@mastrap84

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

@hazelmotes1

Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

@FattMernandez

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@Beamo23

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

@hellosarawren

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.