Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.