Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”