PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You Might Also Like
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
these can’t be my only options
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.