PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.