PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
got so much cardio in today
こいつ天才
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
