Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Them: Just act casual
Me:![]()
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.