Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Camping tip: No.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to