Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

ㅤ

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.