Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Our lord and savoury.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.