Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

what do you want!!!!!!!!

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

me when somebody idk start touching me