PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
can you read it!!??
maan!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”