Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”