PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Pot warmers of the day.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )