PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
thank god
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
