PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
