I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.