X-tra spooky blend
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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
real
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.