@ryanqnorth

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

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I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

@ilovepie84

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.