Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Meow

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

The biggest mystery of our time

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

You sure about that?

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”