Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce