Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

🤣🤣💀

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.