prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.