Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

first you must answer his riddles

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.