Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.