*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.